


Crash

by RobotSquid



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-29
Updated: 2013-05-20
Packaged: 2017-12-09 20:54:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/777883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobotSquid/pseuds/RobotSquid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being Sollux's friend is easier when you can just block him on Trollian instead of killing him every time he pisses you off.  Having him stay at your hive for a few days, though, is probably the most miserable experience of your life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

\--twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]—

TA: hey kk  
CG: HI.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?  
TA: ii’m fiine thank2 for a2kiing  
TA: the bii-polar thiing ii2 goiing great  
TA: ii’m really 2tartiing two 2ee the benefiit of fliippiing the fuck out for day2 and day2 over the tiiniie2t 2tupiide2t fuckiing thing  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CG: I DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING SAY ANYTHING.  
TA: well whatever  
TA: can ii a2k you a favor?  
CG: NO. NO YOU CAN’T.  
CG: BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE EMOTIONAL MATURITY OF A FUCKING WRIGGLER AND I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR SHIT EVER.  
CG: SERIOUSLY I’M CHECKING MY SCHEDULE AND I JUST CAN’T FIT “DEAL WITH SOLLUX’S BULLSHIT” IN HERE ANYWHERE. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE, I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND.  
TA: gue22 ii’ll go cull my2elf then  
CG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  
TA: do you thiink 2trangulatiion would be more effectiive or 2hould ii ju2t go wiith the cla22iic razor  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CG: YOU WHINY BITCH.  
CG: WHAT IN THE SHIT DO YOU WANT.  
TA: ii blew my re2piiteblock up  
CG: SOLLUX I DO NOT HAVE THE PATIENCE TO LISTEN TO YOUR MOOD SWING TRAUMA.  
CG: TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT OR I’M GOING TO TAKE A DRILL TO MY BRAIN UNTIL I FORGET WE WERE EVER FRIENDS.  
TA: no ii’m 2eriiou2  
TA: that’2 what ii wanted two talk two you about  
TA: ii wa2 doiing 2ome 2hiit wiith my bee2 and ii got 2ome miind honey in my mouth and now ii have a biga22 gapiing hole in the 2iide of my re2piiteblock  
TA: drone2 are comiing over tomorrow two fiix iit and ii need a place two 2tay  
CG: I CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING AND THE ANSWER IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING NO YOU EVER SAW IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.  
CG: THERE IS SIMPLY NO ADEQUATE ALTERNIAN PHRASE FOR HOW STRONGLY I AM EXPRESSING THIS NO.  
TA: come on kk  
TA: ii don’t take up much 2pace  
TA: ii barely even 2leep  
CG: WHY DON’T YOU GO TO YOUR FUCKING MATESPRIT’S HIVE?  
TA: hmmmmmm let’2 thiink about that one  
CG: OKAY.  
CG: I CONCEDE THAT WAS A LITTLE PREMATURE AND KIND OF STUPID TO SUGGEST.  
TA: could iit be becau2e 2he fuckiing LIIVE2 UNDERWATER?!?!  
CG: HOLY SHIT I SAID NEVER MIND!  
TA: no you diidn’t  
TA: anyway can ii come or can’t ii  
CG: I’M PRETTY SURE I SAID NO.  
CG: THAT NO DIDN’T STOP BEING A THING OR ANYTHING.  
TA: okay fiine  
TA: ii’ll ju2t 2hriivel up and diie in the blii2teriing 2un  
TA: 2ave the culliing drone2 2ome tiime and effort  
TA: and iin a thou2and 2weep2 when 2ome yellowblooded wriiggler a2k2 hii2 lu2u2 who hii2 ance2tor ii2 he can hear about how ii diied liike a fuckiing piiece of garbage becau2e my “friiend” wa2 an enormou2 a22hole  
CG: WOW.  
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

\--twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]—

CG: OH REAL MATURE.  
CG: I DON’T EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE YOU NOW.  
CG: YOU PROBABLY GOT INTO THE MIND HONEY AND DECIDED THAT PLAYING THE LAMEST FUCKING JOKE OF ALL TIME ON KARKAT WAS THE BEST POSSIBLE USE OF YOUR TIME WHILE FUCKED OUT OF YOUR MIND.  
CG: WELL LOOK AT ALL THE SHITS I’M NOT GIVING. I’VE GOT SO MANY TO SPARE BUT I’M JUST NOT IN A GIVING MOOD.  
CG: I’M HOARDING ALL THE SHITS FOR MYSELF SO I CAN PROCEED TO NOT GIVE THEM.  
CG: SOLLUX.  
CG: OKAY YOU STUPID LISPING DUMBASS THIS IS NO LONGER ANYTHING RESEMBLING FUNNY IN ANY POSSIBLY SENSE OF THE TERM.  
CG: FUCK WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?  
CG: OF COURSE IT WAS. LEAVE IT TO ME TO FIND THE MOST ANTICLIMACTIC WAY TO END A FRIENDSHIP EVER.  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, IT WASN’T A FRIENDSHIP. WHAT WE HAD WAS THE MOST PARASITIC UNHEALTHY SHITSTORM WASTE OF TIME THAT I DON’T EVEN HAVE THE MENTAL CAPACITY TO PROPERLY DEFINE IT.  
CG: OKAY THAT WAS A BIT MUCH.  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT. FUCK YOU ANYWAY.

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG]  blocked twinArmageddons [TA]—

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]—

CG: OKAY YOU INSUFFERABLE FUCK YOU CAN COME OVER.  
CG: JUST STOP FUCKING EMBARRASSING YOURSELF AND ANSWER ME.  
TA: okay iit miight be a liittle whiile before ii can actually get over there  
TA: ii have to make 2ure ii leave my lu2u2 enough food  
CG: I DON’T HAVE A GUEST BLOCK YOU KNOW.  
TA: wow um okay  
TA: ii gue22 we have no choice  
TA: you wanna be the biig 2poon or the liittle 2poon?  
CG: FUCK FUCKING YOU.  
TA: iit’2 okay iif you wanna be the liittle 2poon  
CG: OKAY FOR THAT THE BEST YOU’RE GETTING IS USED SOPOR SLIME IN THE ABLUTION TRAP.  
TA: hehe thank2 KK  
CG: SO WHEN IS YOUR DUMB ASS GOING TO BE HERE?  
TA: probably later toniight  
TA: before the 2un come2 up hopefully  
CG: FINE.  
CG: YOU BETTER NOT EXPECT ME TO CLEAN ANYTHING.  
TA: wouldn’t dream of iit  
CG: FINE.  
CG: KNOCK BEFORE COMING IN FOR FUCK’S SAKE.  
TA: okay  
CG: SEE YOU LATER.  
TA: 2ee you

\--twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]—

Karkat was sitting on his couch, watching whatever TV channel he’d ended up at, and definitely not checking the clock every ten minutes. It had been hours since he’d talked with Sollux, and the sun wasn’t even close to rising. Karkat didn’t care when he showed up. Or if he did at all. The whole thing had probably been a joke.

He sat back in the couch, tapping his fingers against the remote control agitatedly. His eyes flicked up to the clock once more before he was able to stop himself. In the kitchen, his lusus was noisily sucking down all the frozen roe cubes Karkat had left out for him. He’d be asleep after that meal for sure.

Karkat looked at the remains of his own dinner sitting on the table in front of him. He was going to eat in front of the TV tonight anyway. It had nothing to do with being near the front door. His plans just happened to coincide with this unforeseen event. That was all. In fact, he wasn’t even going to clean it up. Sollux wasn’t a guest. He was an intruder. There was a big difference, and you didn’t clean up your shit for intruders.

Karkat finally realized that the movie he was watching was a piece of shit and started flipping channels again. In the other room, his lusus was finishing up the meal, and eventually made its way out and down the hall to go sleep it off. Karkat yawned, feeling his own fatigue start to wear on him. He glanced towards the door. Unlocking it would be a bad idea, but he didn’t want to be woken up if he did drift off later….

He was slumping back in the couch without realizing it. The white noise drone of the TV turned to background noise and he closed his eyes.

As if Sollux had been fucking waiting for it—which he probably had been—the sharp rap at the door came immediately afterward. Karkat’s eyes shot open and he instantly went from zero to completely fucking pissed off. He leapt up and ran to open the door.

“Fucking finally you intrusive asshole,” Karkat muttered as he pulled the door open. Sollux was standing there, grinning like a fucking tool, with a single duffel bag thrown over his shoulder.

“Get the fuck inside, it’s freezing.” He stepped back to let Sollux inside.

“Wow, your hive is huge,” Sollux said, setting his bag down on the couch. “I like it.”

“Don’t get too used to it,” Karkat grumbled. “How long are you going to be here again?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “The drones are fixing my hive but I thought maybe I would add in a few new rooms or something while I was at it….”

“Oh fuck me, Sollux.”

“You’re being awful forward tonight, you know that?” he said with yet another shit-eating grin. He sat down and began to unpack the contents of his bag, starting with his husktop, then a hard drive, an external hard drive, a huge clusterfuck of wires….

“Sollux,” Karkat said slowly as he watched Sollux unload his bag of tricks. “Did you actually pack anything…useful?”

“Hmm?” He actually looked confused.

“Like…fucking clothes!?”

“Uuum….” Sollux dug through his bag a bit, but it was completely empty. “Huh. Guess not.”

There wasn’t enough facepalm for Karkat right at that moment. “So you came here over here to stay with fucking nothing but your husktop?! Not even so much as a fucking tooth scrubbing apparatus?!”

Sollux laughed. “I just didn’t think of it. But it’s cool, I’ll just borrow yours.”

“No. FUCK no. I can’t believe you wouldn’t—” Karkat paused, narrowing his eyes. “You’re having a fucking manic phase, aren’t you?”

Sollux was already unplugging lamps to make room for all his cords, the room plunging deeper and deeper into darkness as he worked his way around the room. “No,” he replied defensively.

“Yes you are you predictable fuck.” Karkat started to grind his teeth in irritation as Sollux unplugged the last of the lamps, leaving the TV as the room’s only source of light. The blue static flickered in the room, and as Sollux turned on his husktop the glow of the screen lit up his face.

“Quit being so judgmental, KK,” Sollux replied, only paying half-attention as he began to mess with something on his husktop.

Deciding that he had just about had his fill of Sollux bullshit for the night, Karkat just left and went upstairs to his recuperacoon. He was asleep before he even floated to the bottom of the sopor slime.


	2. Chapter 2

\--twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist (CG)—

TA: kk  
TA: kk  
TA: kk  
TA: kk  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CG: I WAS JUST HAVING AN AMAZING DREAM.  
CG: I DON’T REMEMBER ALL THE DETAILS, BUT I’M PRETTY SURE I WAS FINALLY A THRESHECUTIONER. I WAS CUTTING DOWN TROLL AFTER TROLL AFTER TROLL.  
CG: THEY ALL HAD TERRIBLE TEETH AND A DOUCHEBAG GRIN.  
CG: I DON’T REMEMBER HOW IT ENDED.  
CG: BUT THAT BETTER FUCKING BE BECAUSE I’M STILL HAVING IT.  
CG: BECAUSE I KNOW THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY YOU ARE MESSAGING ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODFORSAKEN DAY.  
CG: WHAT IN THE ALMIGHTY HELL DO. YOU. FUCKING. WANT.  
TA: kk ii’m hungry  
CG: …  
CG: OKAY HOLD ON A SEC, I’M GOING TO GO GRAB MY SICKLE AND SLAM IT INTO MY HEAD TO MAKE SURE I’M ACTUALLY AWAKE.  
TA: my god kk you know 2ometiime2 ii thiink ii 2hould ju2t let you talk and not re2pond becau2e the degree two which you put the effort iintwo your tantrum2 ii2 truly a 2iight two behold  
CG: I WAS ASLEEP YOU ASSCHEEK. WAS BEING THE OPERATIVE WORD. OR SHOULD I SPELL IT “WA2” SO YOU CAN COMPREHEND WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY HERE.  
TA: oh my god  
TA: diid you ju2t call me an a22cheek  
TA: plea2e tell me you can actually hear me laughiing down here  
CG: OKAY JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE, I’M GOING TO COME DOWNSTAIRS IN A SECOND AND ACTUALLY MURDER YOU.  
CG: THEN YOU WON’T BE HUNGRY ANYMORE.  
TA: okay but before you do that ju2t tell me where your cereal ii2  
TA: you got any of fruiit flavored crap  
TA: you know the liittle loop2  
CG: WAIT I’M NOT PREPARED FOR THIS I GOTTA SHARPEN THIS THING FIRST.  
TA: man they ta2te liike 2hiit but ii have two be hone2t theyre 2o damn good  
CG: OKAY I THINK WE’RE GOOD HERE.  
CG: YOU’RE DEAD, ASSHOLE.

Karkat plodded down the stairs, sickle in hand, and flipped on the lightswitch. Both Sollux and Crabdad hissed at the sudden introduction of light into the room. Karkat opened his mouth to say something, felt his brain shut down from sheer, concentrated rage, and simply turned around and headed back up to his room.

“Wait, KK!” Sollux called up after him.

“Fuck yooooou,” Karkat replied, stifling a yawn.

“KK, I’m bored.”

Karkat grit his teeth and ran back down into the room. Raising his sickle up into the air, he brought it crashing down into the back of his couch, fluff and upholstery puffing out.

“I told you that you could _sleep_ here!! I didn’t say that you could eat all my fucking food and wake me up with your annoying as shit—fucking—your— _you_!!!” he raged, gesticulating in Sollux’s direction. Karkat’s face flushed deep red, a bit of spittle flying out of his mouth to hit Crabdad in the face. His lusus screeched and slammed his huge claw down atop Karkat’s head.

“ _OW_ , Crabdad, what the _hell_ , I’m not even talking to you!”

The crab monster squawked and clacked his claws.

“He’s saying,” Sollux said with a smug grin, “that he raised you better than that.”

“ _You can’t even understand him_ ,” Karkat growled, pointing his sickle at Sollux’s face, his free hand pressed tightly to the growing bump on his head.

“Are you kidding, me and Crabdad are the tightest bros now.” Crabdad chirped in agreement and patted Sollux on the head.

Karkat stared, feeling a twitch starting to form behind his right eye, and walked into the kitchen.

“Oh my god, KK!” Sollux called from the living room. “One of your neighbors’ wi-fi is called ‘I know you’re fucking your moirail’ and another one is called ‘naw man we’re just paling’. KK, do you get it?!”

Karkat glanced at the knives on his countertop.

“It was spelled like P-A-L-E not P-A-I-L. Isn’t that the lamest fucking joke you’ve ever heard?”

He decided he wasn’t in the mood to clean up Sollux’s blood this late in the day and opened the cabinet where he kept his cereal. He grabbed the first box he saw, which he was pretty sure was stale by now, and went to the fridge for the milk.

“Aw fuck…hey KK can you grab my headphones from my bag? It’s by the door.”

Karkat walked back into the living room, milk in one hand and cereal in the other. Sollux was stretched back across the back of the couch, his long arms hanging over the side. He looked up at Karkat, face upside down, his glasses slightly askew, his grin wide and eager.

For half a second Karkat almost felt bad about what he was about to do.

He dumped the cereal and the milk all over that smug face, splashing all over the couch, and Sollux actually screamed, screamed like a wriggler, flailing his arms before he finally jumped to his feet. His husktop went flying towards the ground, just barely caught by a cloud of red-and-blue before it could smash to pieces. Crabdad screeched in what could have been laughter, or stern parental disapproval.

Karkat trekked back upstairs, flipping a middle finger in the general direction of the living room, and finally got back to his room. As he was climbing into his sopor slime, now cold, he heard a faint ‘ping’ on his computer.

_Are you fucking kidding me._

Against his better judgment, he went to look at his screen.

TA: kk you diidn’t briing me a 2poon


End file.
